A Brilliant Request

(another old post - I have really had a bummer few weeks)

Right after we announced to my Mom and Jim that we were pregnant, we went to a restaurant on the beach in the village near where they live in Punta Mita. Mexicans stroll the beach w/ their wares, hoping to sell to the tourists dining there. Sometimes a wandering minstrel shows up. This time, my mom knew him. She knows everyone on the planet to some degree (and has invited most of them to Thanksgiving dinner), so no one was all that surprised when they hugged. We were also not surprised(and also not thrilled), when she asked him to sing for us. This can be fun when you are three or four margaritas deep, but the hubs and were not, sadly. He asked for a request and my mother kindly tried to think of an artist that we would enjoy. That very afternoon at lunch, we'd heard a wonderful musician doing covers of some awesome music, one of them being old school Eric Clapton. So that is who my mom requested. The guy said, "Tears in Heaven?" And my mom enthusiastically agreed, while I sat there frozen. I don' know if it was as funny as I thought it was, but I laughed so hard completely non-surreptitiously behind my hand that I had tears rolling down my face. I tried to pass it off as being swept away by the beauty of his guitar playing and the haunting tone of the lyrics, but couldn't stop madly giggling at the fact that my mom had, on the same day she found out I was five weeks pregnant, requested that we be serenaded by the song that Clapton wrote in memory of his deceased son.

I know, I'm sick in the head.

10 Weeks Today - Keepin' It Classy!

This is getting tougher and tougher to keep quiet! First of all, I'm huge and bloated and I know everyone things I'm just getting fat. It's embarrassing as all get out. Second of all, I burped into the receiver on a conference call the other day - something I would like to think would NEVER happen were I not pregnant. I have my moments, but even I have never sunk that low.

Nuggie and Mom - keepin' it classy.

(holy shit, I just called myself a mom.)

Not Fun

(this is from a couple of weeks ago - I've gotten better, but clearly I was a mess then, which is why I never managed to post it. huh)

I thought I'd be all zen during pregnancy. Bullshit. I'm a nightmare. This is terrible! Will it get better? I really want to have calm and happy thoughts for the next seven and a half months.

Right now, though, the anxieties and odd (even for me) particularities are rising up so prominently that I couldn't ignore them if I tried. Good music, deep breathing, going on walks? None of it works, trust me.

I now have food/smell aversions. I was just in Il Buco Alimentari e Vineria which is a wonderful place in Noho where Rick and I meet for lunch from time to time. Oh god. It was awful. As scents of ricotta and freshly grilled bread or the crispy soft-shelled crab w/ ramp aioli (two delightful signs that spring is finally here) wafted past, my mouth watered w/ the threat of vomit, not pleasure. I feel like a failure as a mother-to-be. Nugs needs everything that I have no desire to eat at EXACTLY THIS MOMENT. Right now the brain is growing and dividing into two parts and I have no clue what it all means, but I bet it's important (clearly my mom didn't eat omega 3s and folic acid at this imperative juncture for me).

Anyway, that only adds to all of the aggravation.

It's also pretty lonely being pregnant at this stage. I have constant emotional turmoil and, to be honest, the people I want around me are all too busy to hang out. So I'm spending a lot of time solo these days. Rick and I have had two days together in the past four weeks.

These posts will get more positive soon, hopefully....

zzzzzzzzz

Well, sheer exhaustion just set in. Holy shnikeys. I'm beat. That is all.

Wait, is that MY heart?

I woke up this morning w/ zero symptoms - no bloating and no cramping, which have been the two worst culprits. Reflecting on the weekend, I realized that I hadn't had them yesterday and maybe not on Saturday, either. Given that I'd had very strong regular cramping sensations for the past two weeks (and a huge belly from all the sexy bloating), not to mention the intermittent stabbing on the left side of my lower abdomen, this has me worried a bit. I still went to morning yoga, but as I walked over the Manhattan Bridge to get to work (the best way to start your day, especially when the new Jack White is blaring through your headphones) I called my doctor to see if they shared my concerns. Unfortunately, they did.

Thankfully Rick was able to join me for our emergency appointment and at 2:00 we were sitting in the waiting room under very different circumstances than we'd envisaged our first ultrasound. It was a fifteen minute wait, during which I had three cups of water and peed twice. This is not abnormal, for the record.

We finally were led to a room for me to change into an itchy robe (side note: why do I seem to end up in black socks at the doctor - I mean, obviously I'm not trying to be sexy in the stirrups, but....). Despite my previous trips to the bathroom, I soon found that I didn't pee ENOUGH....

Because that ultrasound device is invasive, yo! And it was only compounded by my apparently never-empty bladder, which my doctor kindly showed me on the machine by wiggling the wand around and around and around and around. Ow.

Then there it was - The Nugs, in full effect! Not really; it was just a tiny blob as Nuggers is only 6 weeks and 3 days, but it was still really cool b/c it is OUR blob and the Hubs and I are quite proprietary all of a sudden. Then, as the omnipresent wand pressed harder and more intrusively against my bladder, we saw it - the flutter. It was a little bit like a microscopic jellyfish's filament. It was almost the coolest thing to happen to me until the doctor turned on the audio. It was so loud that I just could not comprehend that the fluttering microbe could possible make such a racket and I said, "Is that MY heart?" It could have been my heart if I had just run at a dead sprint for a minute - the heart rate was 150 bpm.

Anyway, that is our story, but what people don't talk about are the emotions. I did shed a tear when I saw and heard the heartbeat, I can't lie. It is pretty major. But it also isn't. I feel like I'm trying to feel more than I do b/c I really don't feel all that much. I'm not showing and I'm fortunate to be fairly symptom-free, so I don't have an inherent connection there yet. That is what I'm waiting for. For now, I'm happy to just take in that pic above w/ nothing but a sense of sheer befuddlement (with a shit-eating grin on my face).

PS - I know the image is sideways. It's a blob (on a blog). Deal w/ it.

Six Weeks Today!

There are so many things that people don't tell you. I mean, I have 14 nieces and nephews - could someone have mentioned the cramping, racing thoughts, inability to sleep, restless leg syndrome or at the very least eczema? There are myriad other issues, but I'll refrain from mentioning them here. I'll be sending all of my sisters, in-laws, cousins and friends sarcastic thank you notes at a later date. Except I probably won't b/c I'm too tired as I'm not getting any sleep.

RIP Adam Yauch. The Nugs will know all of your work, I assure you.

4/20 Takes on a Whole New Meaning

Yes, this is the first thing I thought of when I saw the test say PREGNANT. Actually, that is not true. The first thing that I thought was that maybe I was so tired (and slightly hungover) that my vision was blurry b/c surely this was not at all possible.

My husband and I had been trying for three months to get pregnant when we decided to take March off b/c we were visiting my parents in Mexico (rum! raw fish! margaritas! stand-up paddle boarding!), my cousin was coming to NYC for a celebratory birthday visit and another was having her own birthday gala in Houston not long after, along w/ hopeful dreams of trips to Chicago and San Francisco. I'd also done the math and realized the baby would be due on 12/28, which just seemed cruel. Well, we weren't trying, but we weren't not trying either...clearly.

So, Friday, April 20th was the day after my company's annual Town Hall that took place at City Winery (that is how my company does it, thank god). Many of us moved on to our own little after party at Splash, a rambunctious gay bar with hot (and generally straight) waiters in nothing but tight 2Xist boxer (very)briefs. This is truly not my thing and, to be blunt (running theme of this post), I'd rather their goods were not exposed quite so closely to the ice bins, given that my drink of choice is vodka soda. Anyway, it was later that night having a fun meal w/ a good friend and coworker that I realized I was four days late. She convinced me to just take the test as it would make me feel better....

The next evening, as I was chilling champagne for my brother's birthday, I decided to hell with it and went to the bathroom. Given that the night would entail celebration libations, it was time to do the deed. A few minutes later, there sat confirmation that the seemingly impossible had happened. I guess the reason the first three months didn't work is that I was a bit off in predicting my fertility. I’ve never been all that in touch w/ the minutiae of the inner workings of my body (a fact that will only make the next eight months all the more interesting).

Anyway, later that evening, someone pointed out that the Empire State Building was lit up in all green to promote pot smoking as it was 4/20. As I was the only person not drinking, I reminded them that Earth Month was the more likely inspiration. Then it dawned on me that I had just discovered that I was preggers w/ my own sweet little nugget of joy on 4/20. And Lil Nug (or Nugs) was named. My memory has already begun to fail so the next post will be starting w/ where I am currently; hopefully this will help with the details. I have found, however, that instances of severe digression seem to be getting worse for me these days, which is borderline tragic given I've never told a linear tale in my life. This will surely be a bumpy ride....