Not Fun

(this is from a couple of weeks ago - I've gotten better, but clearly I was a mess then, which is why I never managed to post it. huh)

I thought I'd be all zen during pregnancy. Bullshit. I'm a nightmare. This is terrible! Will it get better? I really want to have calm and happy thoughts for the next seven and a half months.

Right now, though, the anxieties and odd (even for me) particularities are rising up so prominently that I couldn't ignore them if I tried. Good music, deep breathing, going on walks? None of it works, trust me.

I now have food/smell aversions. I was just in Il Buco Alimentari e Vineria which is a wonderful place in Noho where Rick and I meet for lunch from time to time. Oh god. It was awful. As scents of ricotta and freshly grilled bread or the crispy soft-shelled crab w/ ramp aioli (two delightful signs that spring is finally here) wafted past, my mouth watered w/ the threat of vomit, not pleasure. I feel like a failure as a mother-to-be. Nugs needs everything that I have no desire to eat at EXACTLY THIS MOMENT. Right now the brain is growing and dividing into two parts and I have no clue what it all means, but I bet it's important (clearly my mom didn't eat omega 3s and folic acid at this imperative juncture for me).

Anyway, that only adds to all of the aggravation.

It's also pretty lonely being pregnant at this stage. I have constant emotional turmoil and, to be honest, the people I want around me are all too busy to hang out. So I'm spending a lot of time solo these days. Rick and I have had two days together in the past four weeks.

These posts will get more positive soon, hopefully....